10w1d

Our sweet miracle is still chugging along! We haven’t been seen for an ultrasound since 8 weeks, and our next appointment isn’t for 6 more days. We have been extremely fortunate, however, to hear our baby’s heartbeat everyday on our doppler and it has made the 3 week wait so much better. All our praise still to God for this incredible child that he has blessed us with!

We are still keeping high hopes that they will scan me next Thursday, though I am just not sure they are going to. According to the receptionist, usually the first appointment with the OB is more of a consult, possible blood draws (I have no idea), but she did say according to our history that they may treat my appointment differently and do a scan. We know we would LOVE to see our little munchkin again and can’t wait to see how much bigger he/she is now from our 8 week scan.

We feel so good about this pregnancy. I still catch myself thinking back to the months and months and months that we cried and prayed for this child. I think of the moment before we took the test and discovered I was pregnant. It all seems so surreal, and while I will never forget our journey, it is starting to feel more and more distant with each passing day that we cry tears of joy for our sweet bundle of joy that is snuggling in and growing rapidly. We pray that more and more miracle baby’s are being conceived every day!

I will update you again after next weeks appointment (hopefully, scan)! Praying for everyone who desire to be called Mom, and for those who are currently pregnant after having struggled to conceive or to carry to term. Love to you all!

9w0d

Today marks 9 weeks! We are SO blessed to have made it this far and thank God every single day for his greatness! A few days ago I ordered a fetal doppler from Amazon and decided I would give it a try this morning to try and hear the baby’s heartbeat. I was almost about to give up when I decided I would try for another minute or so and go a little bit lower with the wand. I heard all sorts of funny noises and for most of the 5-10 minutes was really only able to hear my heartbeat and some swooshing sounds. When I finally took the doppler lower and angle it in a certain direction, there it was! Pure bliss! Our little baby’s heartbeat sounded like a choo-choo train and I listened for a few seconds before turning it off. I could have listened to that sound all day, but instructions say you should limit each session to 10 minutes and I want to make sure I am not harming our baby in any way shape or form!

Now that I am at the 9 week mark, my symptoms seem to be tapering down again and they may even start to go away for the most part as the placenta is nearing the stage where it starts to take over hormone production and thus, hormones won’t be being produced by my body as much. I have only ever had mild nausea and it comes in spells. I had a bad case a couple of nights ago, but have felt pretty good since. My breasts are less tender now, they tend to get more sore at random times and then ease off again, which is what I assume they are doing now. Hearing the baby’s heartbeat was more than enough for me to remind myself that all is well at this moment! I cannot wipe this smile from my face! God has been so incredible and we feel so incredibly blessed.

We have 2 more weeks until we will be seen for another checkup at our first official OBGYN appt. We have only been doing scans at Reproductive, but officially were released from their care following our 8 week scan. I was told, we may not have a scan at 11 weeks but may due to our background of prior loss and being infertility patients  so I am hoping we will. Our next appointment will fall on my Birthday on May, 4th so I am really hoping for a scan for my Birthday present! We will keep hoping that is the case, but so long as I can find the heartbeat every so often, all will be fine. I have faith in our Father to continue to provide for us as He has done and I will continue to pray for everyone who is currently struggling with their fertility.

8wk US Update!

On April, 13th (Thursday) we had our second scan and we are SO excited to say that everything looked perfect!!!! Praise God!

Everything measured perfectly, and our baby even went through a bit of a growth spurt and is measuring a couple of days ahead right now (8w2d at our 8wk scan). We saw a perfect little heartbeat at 160bpm, and we were told our baby even gave us a little wiggle, although we didn’t quite catch it on the screen! I cannot express how incredible it was to see our baby! He/she had their little limb buds and actually looks like a miniature baby.  My husband and I could not help but to get teary eyed watching the screen, seeing the major growth that had occured in just 2 short weeks and knowing just how incredible this gift from God is.  It still feels surreal at times!

Every time I start to think about just how much of a surprise this pregnancy was, just how much God has blessed us, it gives me chills and makes me cry, it is a feeling I cannot describe.  Exactly five weeks ago,  I was sitting with my husband at lunch debating whether to go buy a pregnancy test, due to some very early spotting I had in my cycle (a week before my period was due). Of course when I had the spotting, there was a small part of my mind (very teeny tiny part of my mind) that wanted to believe it was a good sign, but I just couldn’t let myself believe that was the case. I truly just believed that my period was coming crazy early and that my cycle was messed up from the previous months of synthetic hormones. That spotting had ended a day or two before that Saturday, and I sat with my husband wondering if it would be a good idea to just go buy 1 test to rule it out so I wasn’t wondering any longer why my cycle was so strange that month. We decided to head to Walmart, right across the street where I would buy the cheapest test (knowing it was going to be negative). I actually bought a blue dye test for the first time in 20 months. For the most part, people believe they are notorious for false positives and aren’t equivalent to brands such as First Response. When we got home that day, I waited and waited to test. Unlike all of the other months, when I couldn’t help but to be so anxious to test, this time was far different. I was scared to test because a very large part of my mind and body ‘just knew’ I would again be seeing that same blank test and my emotions would be sent into a tailspin as they had all of the months before. It took me nearly 4 hours after getting home, to finally work up the courage to use that test. I went in the bathroom, shut the door, and dipped the stick into my urine and waited as the urine crossed the screen. As soon as that test line got wet, I could notice a somewhat faint (but easily detected) line show up. I looked at it for a few more seconds and it was unmistakeable, it was positive! With a shaky voice, I called my husband into the bathroom and showed him the test. He couldn’t believe it! I mean, like really couldn’t believe it. He paced a bit, holding the test and said “well you said these tests aren’t very accurate, I just don’t know”. He was very nervous and apprehensive since our first pregnancy did not end well and he was gunshy to believe this wouldn’t be a similar situation. I immediately popped open the other test that was in the box and dipped it again and the line, came up immediately yet again. I handed him the second test, and he finally started to believe that what he was looking at were positive tests and that we were pregnant!

While we were on cloud 9 that for the first time in 20 months, we had gotten our first positive, naturally, I spent the first 2 weeks worried sick. I went in for a series of betas and every time before getting a call, I just had this sickening feeling I would be getting a call with bad news. Bad news, that my betas hadn’t doubled properly or were even going down. Each and every time, I was proved wrong. Each and every time I gave thanks to God. He was proving me wrong every day. Do not get me wrong when I say my faith is as strong as it’s ever been. It is. That doesn’t mean that I don’t have moments of doubt and fear and anxiety that I can’t seem to be in control of. I have had to ask God every step of the way, to release me of my worries and fears and I am learning to place them at his throne, every day. Every day he amazes me with his kindness, and goodness. Not just that he has blessed us with a child we have been praying fervently for for almost 2 years, but that he shows me the love and strength I need every single day even when I am not worthy. I didn’t feel worthy to receive this amazing news. I felt as though my faith that I have been working so hard to strengthen, was getting pushed down by believing that God couldn’t be blessing us with this incredible gift and this leads me to a story in the bible that Victoria Osteen recently spoke about.

Mark chapter 10 talks about a blind man who came to Jesus. Jesus asked the man, “What do you want Me to do for you?” The blind man replied without hesitation, “I want to see!”

The blind man knew what he wanted, he knew Jesus was able to do it, and he dared to ask for big things. When Jesus replied, He didn’t say, “Hmmm, let Me see if you’ve been good enough to deserve this healing.” He didn’t say, “What have you done for Me lately?” He didn’t say, “What are you going to do for Me in return?” Jesus simply told the blind man, “Go your way; your faith has healed you.”

We have to remember, Jesus isn’t keeping score. He’s not looking to see if you deserve His blessing. He’s looking at your faith in Him. The truth is that none of us deserve God’s goodness. We have to realize that His goodness is not based on who we are; His goodness is based on who He is. Romans 3:23 says that all have sinned and fallen short of God’s glory. If we come to Him, if we confess our sin, He is faithful and just to forgive our sin and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. (1 John 1:9) When we come to Him in faith, He will restore us, heal us and deliver us! He will do above and beyond what we could ever imagine!

The lesson I have learned is simple. For 20 months, my husband and I prayed and prayed and prayed that God would bless us with a child. We prayed for us to be blessed with fertility, and that any obstacle in our way that was preventing us from conceiving, be removed. We prayed because we BELIEVED God was the only one who could deliver us this miracle, we truly knew he was the only one who could make our desires a reality. When God’s plan finally came to light and he blessed us with our sweet miracle, we were hesitant to believe that we this could be real. We just didn’t feel “lucky” enough, we didn’t feel deserving enough, even after everything. The thing is, just as in the story above, God is faithful to his word and we musn’t worry or question when His blessings are bestowed upon us, whether we are worthy. We are never worthy. God doesn’t bless us because we are or aren’t worthy. His goodness is truly about who He is, not what we are and He wants us to receive his blessings and miracles because that is who He is a gracious and loving God. So what I am saying is, don’t stop praying, don’t stop believing and when God strikes with his unbelievable Greatness, don’t be afraid to believe that His blessings couldn’t be meant for the likes of you. His blessings were meant for you and God wants you to accept his gift with open arms.

8wk0d

Today we are  2 months pregnant and we will have our second official ultrasound today at 2pm. I remember 2 weeks ago, how absolutely nervous and almost sick to my stomach I felt for that first ultrasound. Worried sick out of my mind that everything would be okay, hoping their would be a heartbeat and a baby, measuring properly. I actually had these same anxieties and worries for the past week and a half. So much so, that it prompted a call to the Dr. last Thursday. I was worried that my symptoms seemed to have become less noticeable since the first ultrasound. They have somewhat, but they are still present. However, they do come and go. Some days I feel perfectly “normal”, while other days, I feel so incredibly bloated, big chested, achey and sick.

I had been a googling freak up until this past Monday when I had worked myself up into a state, and prayed a very desperate prayer for God to help me trust in Him and his plan. To lift my husband and I of our worries and to help us have faith that all would be just fine. Since Monday, I have felt so much better. So much more at ease. I haven’t googled worst case scenarios, and haven’t even really thought about them. I don’t know how else to explain going from one extreme to the other, except for with God. God has helped put my mind at ease that his will is being done and that this precious baby growing in my womb, is a child of God, the child he has blessed us with to miraculously conceive and give birth to as our first born. I feel that my spirit has been lifted and I have no doubts in God, one way or another. He has gotten us to this point and will help see it through, no matter the outcome. I do have faith that this miracle baby, is our meant to be baby, though. I have faith, that this will be the little bundle of joy that we will bring home to our families on or around Thanksgiving Day.

I am sure if you are reading my blogs, you might think I sound a little crazy. But that is the thing about faith. It is a little crazy. We have faith in something we have never seen, but have come to believe it exists.  I choose to believe in God, because I know that all of the creations here on Earth, didn’t get here by coincidence. I choose to believe that a Greater, Higher Power, God, created everything we see, and even what we don’t see. He is a God that doesn’t need chance, or odds, he is a miracle worker, but even miracles take time. When God nods his head, he moves mountains. The faith that God has given me over the past 21 months, is the most incredible blessing I have ever began to receive. My faith reminds me a lot of a song by Mercy Me, called “Even If”.

There is a part in the song that goes:

I know You’re able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
But even if You don’t
My hope is You alone
I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt
Would all go away if You’d just say the word
But even if You don’t
My hope is You alone
You’ve been faithful, You’ve been good
All of my days
Jesus, I will cling to You
Come what may
‘Cause I know You’re able
I know You can
It is well with my soul
It is well, it is well with my soul
If there is any prayer that I could pray right now, I would pray that God’s will be done in your life and that you have the patience and the strength to endure all that comes your way, always looking to God through the blessings and through life’s storms, never losing hope in Him. He is always there, even during our darkest of times, when our hope and faith seems so frail. If you can turn to Him and believe that He is there and loves you even when every ounce of you wants to believe the opposite, He will give you your hearts desires during a time that is the most unexpected. Because that is how God does things, he doesn’t wait until the circumstances suggest that it will happen, he waits until the circumstances leave you to believe it can’t. Even when you can’t see it, he is bringing you through the valley. And one day, you will be standing on the mountain. When he shows up, it will be the most miraculous, incredible and unforgettable experience you have ever received. I pray for these miracles in your life. I pray for you to have the faith that the song above sings about.

Looking Back

Today we are officially 6w5d pregnant and we will be 7 wks on Thursday this wk. It feels like such a major milestone, but do not get me wrong the worries are still very much present but the daily nausea and strong food aversions has been a great reminder that something is clearly happening within me.

Lately, I have been in a lot of deep thought. Looking back on our journey, it has been such a long road to get to where we are. For some, it is even longer. For some, more than one loss has been endured and there season of waiting makes ours look short.

I came across a Joel Osteen post the other day that reminded me that we all go through night seasons, things we don’t understand. We aren’t meant to understand everything this side of heaven.  Joel Osteen said “A lot of times we’re trying to pray away all the trouble, pray away the challenges, pray away the bad breaks.  But here’s a key, you’re not anointed from trouble, you are anointed for trouble. The scripture says God is a present help in trouble. God is not going to stop every difficulty, every bad break but He will give you the strength, the power, and the grace to go through it.”

This couldn’t ring more true for a large part of journey. For the vast majority of our struggle, we spent our time praying for the hurt to stop, praying for God to take away the obstacles that were preventing us from conceiving and having a successful pregnancy. It took us a very long time to stop praying the same prayer for a baby. It wasn’t until a couple of months ago, that we had all but surrendered to God and his plan. We stopped focusing on the bad breaks and started realizing that if God was bringing us to it, he would bring us through it, and it would all be for a beautiful purpose. The problem is, so many times, when we can’t see the end, see the outcome, we feel insecure and magnify our problems instead of magnifying God.  It wasn’t until February when I had said my last prayer for a baby and instead prayed for God’s will and for his strength and for peace to overcome as my husband and I left trying to conceive behind us while we moved on with our life. It was a freeing moment indeed and I can’t explain the feeling that overcame me when I prayed that prayer in February shortly after sharing our story with social media.

If you would have asked me if I’d have thought that nearly 6 weeks later after speaking that prayer, and writing that post, that we would be holding hands watching our baby’s heartbeat on a computer screen with our baby’s due date falling on Thanksgiving Day 2017, I wouldn’t have believed it. You could believe that this a mere coincidence but we don’t. We can’t. God decided to bless us with a baby that we have waited and prayed so long for, on a day of Thanks.  He moves mountains and wants to surprise us with his miracles and his plan, because it is ALWAYS better than our own. We are a testimony to his greatness!

I realize now, that had we not experienced what we had, we would not truly understand the great miracle that is happening in our lives at this very moment. We would not have the relationship with God that has forever changed our lives, and changed us for the better to be the parents that God wants us to be for our child. We wouldn’t share the same empathy for others who who are struggling, who we continually pray for. We wouldn’t have the trust and faith in our God that has helped us trust that his way is the only way.

 

Update on First Scan!

Yesterday was our first Ultrasound at 6w0d at 3pm. Of course we got there early and they didn’t call us back until around 3:30…ugh! The wait was agonizing! My husband and I prayed together in the car and then held hands when they took us back and before they inserted the ultrasound wand to check for the baby.

When the Technician inserted the wand, I instantly saw our little diamond ring and it’s heart pumping away! I was scanning the ultrasound to see if there was more than one, but nope, just one precious little baby! We were in awe, and felt instantly relieved, and SO, SO blessed.  I measured 6w exactly and the Dr. said everything looked “perfect”. I did hope to have a heartbeat measure,  but our RE clinic doesn’t measure the heartbeat on the first scan (they think it is too small to get an accurate read), I felt so much hope that this little baby was and will be our rainbow baby that we have prayed so fervently for. God is so good!

Our next scan is scheduled for 8 weeks at 2pm on April, 13th and we will continue to pray every single day for this miracle. We are blown away by God’s perfect timing and his overwhelming love and grace.  Our next ultrasound will show a much larger baby that will actually start to resemble a baby, in which they will take more measurements and do a heartbeat measurement that we will be able to hear! We so look forward to this and pray that this little baby keeps growing healthy and strong each day! We are so grateful for this miracle and for all of the prayers that have been prayed on our behalf.

Most importantly, if there is anything that this journey has taught me, it has taught me to NEVER lose hope. I can’t tell you how many times in the last 20 months that I would question whether children were meant to be in our plans. I can’t tell you how many times my faith was shaken and I was brought to my knees, asking “why me, why us”. I can’t tell you how many times I had submitted to thinking it would never happen for us and I grew bitter and angry at the world. There was some time that even passed where I couldn’t bring myself to pray because I had grown angry with God and believed that he was not listening to my prayers because month after month our prayers weren’t answered. But God hears your prayers, he sees your tears and he knows your heart, but He has a plan and his plan is the only plan. His plan may not make sense to you and it may not look like the plan you envisioned, but know that he is at work when you are at rest.  They say that God works in mysterious ways and in our case, he worked in amazing ways. I truly believe that God wanted our faith, he wanted us to surrender to him and stop trying to be in control of our destination, for his plan was the ultimate plan all along. After so many months of saying “No”, God finally said “yes” and it was in the most incredible, unexpected way that we could have ever imagined. Keep praying, keep dreaming, but give God the reigns and be content knowing that he is in control and that everything he does is for your good.

Blessings By Laura Story

I had to share this beautiful song that just came on my spotify.

“Blessings” By Laura Story

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things

‘Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we’d have faith to believe

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not our home

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

6w0d

Today is the big day! I wish I could say how unbelievably excited we are to hopefully see our baby and it’s heartbeat today, but once again, my fears and worries are overshadowing my ability to get truly excited.

I had a restless night of worrying and praying everything would be okay this time around and that we would see our precious baby’s heartbeat today.  I prayed to God that he please ease my worries and burdens and that despite the outcome, that he strengthen us for the news that we will learn today. We have been talking to our baby lately, and it is amazing how in love you can become with someone you haven’t even met.  We love him/her beyond words and want so desperately to bring this baby home with us in November.

My fears have become overwhelming over the past few days as my symptoms have nearly disappeared. At 3w5d I had started cramping daily which lasted until 5w4d, those cramps have now gone away. My breast soreness started right around 4wks and is now basically gone as well. They are still slightly sore at night, but nothing compared to how they were. My bloating is all but gone also, and boy oh boy was I bloated from the beginning to about 5wks. I just feel so normal less the few bouts of nausea I am getting (and even then I can’t be certain that the nausea is from pregnancy).

It is absolutely terrifying to think that we could be waiting for the ultrasound tech to give us good news, only to be shell-shocked with news that the baby had stopped growing, or the pregnancy was a blighted ovum. I feel for anyone who has been dealt this terrible news and I pray for their healing. It is truly terrifying.

With our ultrasound being at 3:00pm today, it will be waiting an agonizing 6 1/2 hours to see what the results are. Please pray with us this morning, if you will and for others who are in a similar situation that are undergoing a lot of stress waiting to know if everything is okay with their pregnancy.

“Oh God be greater, than the worries in my life
Be stronger, than the weakness in my mind
Be louder, let your Glory come alive
Be magnified”

Dear Heavenly Father, Lord I pray that you lift my husband and I up today along with any other couples who are battling infertility, or who have fallen pregnant and are in a waiting period praying for the best. Lord, we know that you will will be done and that you are in control always, but we are trying hard to stay positive even though our anxieties and worries have a way of bringing out the worst in us and it may make you think that we are questioning our faith in you.  I know that no matter the outcome, we will persevere because you are our Father and you are always with us, strengthening us and helping us to fulfill your plan for us. Please be with each and every woman today who has lost confidence in their body to become and or sustain a pregancy. Please be there to hold there hand as they receive news that will forever change their lives.  Please help us to celebrate you and your victories in moments of overwhelming joy, but also to keep the faith when things don’t go as we had hoped. Please continue to bring us back to you each and every day, for anything is possible through you and you give our live’s purpose. Amen.

 

2 Days away from first US

We are getting so close to seeing our little baby at our first ultrasound! We are so excited but the nerves have really started to kick in again and I am getting a little panicky. My symptoms have seemed to lessen over the past few days although I did get a bit of what I believe is morning sickness yesterday and today. It wasn’t throw up worthy sickness, but a nauseous feeling that came and went, and sort of felt like motion sickness throughout the day. I woke up today feeling as though I had just climbed off a boat, and I was still moving, but after breakfast, that feeling has vanished as well. The fact that my symptoms have faded is unnerving and I have found myself wondering every minute of every day whether it means the worst.

We are trying to so hard to rely on our faith in God, and trust in his plan. A few nights ago, we were lying in bed and I just felt so overcome by happiness that I couldn’t keep it in. I told my husband that this is the most incredible thing to ever happen to us and how thankful I felt for God to bring this baby into our life so unexpectedly. When God blessed us with this pregnancy, we had decided that we would no longer be trying to conceive for a while and would be moving forward with other plans in our life (building a home). We needed to let go and part ways from the emotional roller coaster that TTC brings. We needed to find peace in our lives and enjoy what was in front of us instead of focusing on what we did not have and how are plans weren’t working out the way we had thought. I still feel overwhelmed with joy that God placed this miracle in our lives and we are trying to enjoy every single day that we are pregnant. We hope and pray for the best, that God lets us keep this baby (or babies). We pray that our baby is growing each and every day and that we will see a strong and healthy heartbeat in just a matter of 2 days. We pray he strengthens us and comforts us over the next coming days and that he is with us in spirit during our first Ultrasound on Thursday. I pray that my symptoms subsiding don’t mean anything at all and that maybe I will be hit like a mack truck later on. We pray that it is our time to prepare to bring our baby into this world in November of 2017. We give thanks to God for all that he does and for being such an amazing Father. Thank you for hearing our prayers, strengthening us when we have been weak and for keeping our faith alive throughout ths journey. Please pray for a healthy baby and heartbeat Thursday, we appreciate all your thoughts and prayers more than you could know:)

5w3d

Four days until our first ultrasound! The past couple days I have been a little worry wart again. I have been having cramps since 3w5d at least once a day and for the last 2 days I have not had any, this just so happens to have suddenly stopped after a trip to the bathroom that left me straining and miserable for relief with bad constipation.  Of course the lack of symptoms and the strain have really made me worry I put too much pressure on my uterus and caused the baby to be affected, I know it is silly, but this is what goes through your mind when you are a worry wart and have struggled to conceive/had a prior loss.

My symptoms have seemed to lessen over the past few days, so it makes me worry if everything is going okay still. I started out with really sore boobs, super bloat, cramps daily that would last at least 5-10 minutes and the past few days I have very little symptoms to speak of…less constipation! It is a killer!

We are just a few short days away from the ultrasound, but every day feels like a week and every hour feels like a day. We are praying so hard, and so frequently that everything is okay and that this little miracle baby is healthy, strong and measures appropriately at the ultrasound.

We ask for your prayers, if you are a praying person that these next few days will go smoothly and that our ultrasound will bring us great news. God has already answered our prayers in so many ways and so we will continue to pray that he graces our baby with continued life.