On April, 13th (Thursday) we had our second scan and we are SO excited to say that everything looked perfect!!!! Praise God!
Everything measured perfectly, and our baby even went through a bit of a growth spurt and is measuring a couple of days ahead right now (8w2d at our 8wk scan). We saw a perfect little heartbeat at 160bpm, and we were told our baby even gave us a little wiggle, although we didn’t quite catch it on the screen! I cannot express how incredible it was to see our baby! He/she had their little limb buds and actually looks like a miniature baby. My husband and I could not help but to get teary eyed watching the screen, seeing the major growth that had occured in just 2 short weeks and knowing just how incredible this gift from God is. It still feels surreal at times!
Every time I start to think about just how much of a surprise this pregnancy was, just how much God has blessed us, it gives me chills and makes me cry, it is a feeling I cannot describe. Exactly five weeks ago, I was sitting with my husband at lunch debating whether to go buy a pregnancy test, due to some very early spotting I had in my cycle (a week before my period was due). Of course when I had the spotting, there was a small part of my mind (very teeny tiny part of my mind) that wanted to believe it was a good sign, but I just couldn’t let myself believe that was the case. I truly just believed that my period was coming crazy early and that my cycle was messed up from the previous months of synthetic hormones. That spotting had ended a day or two before that Saturday, and I sat with my husband wondering if it would be a good idea to just go buy 1 test to rule it out so I wasn’t wondering any longer why my cycle was so strange that month. We decided to head to Walmart, right across the street where I would buy the cheapest test (knowing it was going to be negative). I actually bought a blue dye test for the first time in 20 months. For the most part, people believe they are notorious for false positives and aren’t equivalent to brands such as First Response. When we got home that day, I waited and waited to test. Unlike all of the other months, when I couldn’t help but to be so anxious to test, this time was far different. I was scared to test because a very large part of my mind and body ‘just knew’ I would again be seeing that same blank test and my emotions would be sent into a tailspin as they had all of the months before. It took me nearly 4 hours after getting home, to finally work up the courage to use that test. I went in the bathroom, shut the door, and dipped the stick into my urine and waited as the urine crossed the screen. As soon as that test line got wet, I could notice a somewhat faint (but easily detected) line show up. I looked at it for a few more seconds and it was unmistakeable, it was positive! With a shaky voice, I called my husband into the bathroom and showed him the test. He couldn’t believe it! I mean, like really couldn’t believe it. He paced a bit, holding the test and said “well you said these tests aren’t very accurate, I just don’t know”. He was very nervous and apprehensive since our first pregnancy did not end well and he was gunshy to believe this wouldn’t be a similar situation. I immediately popped open the other test that was in the box and dipped it again and the line, came up immediately yet again. I handed him the second test, and he finally started to believe that what he was looking at were positive tests and that we were pregnant!
While we were on cloud 9 that for the first time in 20 months, we had gotten our first positive, naturally, I spent the first 2 weeks worried sick. I went in for a series of betas and every time before getting a call, I just had this sickening feeling I would be getting a call with bad news. Bad news, that my betas hadn’t doubled properly or were even going down. Each and every time, I was proved wrong. Each and every time I gave thanks to God. He was proving me wrong every day. Do not get me wrong when I say my faith is as strong as it’s ever been. It is. That doesn’t mean that I don’t have moments of doubt and fear and anxiety that I can’t seem to be in control of. I have had to ask God every step of the way, to release me of my worries and fears and I am learning to place them at his throne, every day. Every day he amazes me with his kindness, and goodness. Not just that he has blessed us with a child we have been praying fervently for for almost 2 years, but that he shows me the love and strength I need every single day even when I am not worthy. I didn’t feel worthy to receive this amazing news. I felt as though my faith that I have been working so hard to strengthen, was getting pushed down by believing that God couldn’t be blessing us with this incredible gift and this leads me to a story in the bible that Victoria Osteen recently spoke about.
Mark chapter 10 talks about a blind man who came to Jesus. Jesus asked the man, “What do you want Me to do for you?” The blind man replied without hesitation, “I want to see!”
The blind man knew what he wanted, he knew Jesus was able to do it, and he dared to ask for big things. When Jesus replied, He didn’t say, “Hmmm, let Me see if you’ve been good enough to deserve this healing.” He didn’t say, “What have you done for Me lately?” He didn’t say, “What are you going to do for Me in return?” Jesus simply told the blind man, “Go your way; your faith has healed you.”
We have to remember, Jesus isn’t keeping score. He’s not looking to see if you deserve His blessing. He’s looking at your faith in Him. The truth is that none of us deserve God’s goodness. We have to realize that His goodness is not based on who we are; His goodness is based on who He is. Romans 3:23 says that all have sinned and fallen short of God’s glory. If we come to Him, if we confess our sin, He is faithful and just to forgive our sin and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. (1 John 1:9) When we come to Him in faith, He will restore us, heal us and deliver us! He will do above and beyond what we could ever imagine!
The lesson I have learned is simple. For 20 months, my husband and I prayed and prayed and prayed that God would bless us with a child. We prayed for us to be blessed with fertility, and that any obstacle in our way that was preventing us from conceiving, be removed. We prayed because we BELIEVED God was the only one who could deliver us this miracle, we truly knew he was the only one who could make our desires a reality. When God’s plan finally came to light and he blessed us with our sweet miracle, we were hesitant to believe that we this could be real. We just didn’t feel “lucky” enough, we didn’t feel deserving enough, even after everything. The thing is, just as in the story above, God is faithful to his word and we musn’t worry or question when His blessings are bestowed upon us, whether we are worthy. We are never worthy. God doesn’t bless us because we are or aren’t worthy. His goodness is truly about who He is, not what we are and He wants us to receive his blessings and miracles because that is who He is a gracious and loving God. So what I am saying is, don’t stop praying, don’t stop believing and when God strikes with his unbelievable Greatness, don’t be afraid to believe that His blessings couldn’t be meant for the likes of you. His blessings were meant for you and God wants you to accept his gift with open arms.